did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
