I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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