The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
