I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
