atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
