Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
