my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
