he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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