I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You ruined the universe
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
