**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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