I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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