sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
