Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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