cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
