I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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