considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
A bitchslap is in order.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
