i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
