I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
