i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
