You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
