Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
