I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
