The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
