plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
