did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
