The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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