"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This baby is an asshole
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
