First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
