True but thats because hes a fetus.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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