Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
