You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
