bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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