I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
