I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
