Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize
