if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
