Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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