dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
