It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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