Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
