I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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