see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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