Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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