I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
