Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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