I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
