in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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