I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
