Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
