I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
they're like a gay fantastic four
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Let's get the cat blown out
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
