Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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