You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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