there was a trapeze. enough said
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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