someone threw a dead crab at me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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