I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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