I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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