Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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