dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
